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Ever wonder where the word SHIT comes from?

Well, here it is:

Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was years ago) by ship.

In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only

became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is

methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could

(and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone

came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this

manner before it was discovered what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure

were always stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to

"Ship High In Transit."

In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the

hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Bet you didn't know the history of that word.

Neither did we.

We always thought it was a golf term.

Tags: Funny

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to
them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the
reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here
are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through t he sight in the
! direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can
see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's
naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......
He's naked, too!!! The ****!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth.

Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for
a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save! you a
grand here....."

Tags: Funny

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this
time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye
call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a
prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy,
the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and
an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht
in the Riviera and... ."


"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad!
Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!

Tags: Funny

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Tags: Funny

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.


FRIENDS: Calls your parents by Mr. and Mrs.
BEST FRIENDS: Calls your parents DAD and MOM


FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin
"We fucked up ... but that shit was fun!"


FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.


FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your shit and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."


FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...


FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.


FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!"


FRIENDS: Are only through highschool.
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Bitch drink the rest of that you know we don't waste."

Tags: Funny

1. DON'T FORCE HER TO DO ANYTHING.
[She won't trust you if you do & it'll be awkward]

2. Grab her hand when you walk next to each other.
[She always gets butterflies when you do it; it makes her feel like you want her]

3. When standing, wrap your arms around her.
[It makes her feel like you really love her.]

4. Cuddle with her.
[She'll feel like your there for her]

5. Hug her from behind
[It makes her feel special]

6. Write little notes.
[She smiles. They're cute; The end]

7. Compliment her Honestly.
[No girl likes a liar and no girl likes a person who lies about it when you compliment her]

8. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.
[It makes her feel wanted]

9. Be super sweet to her. = )
[All girls like a super sweet guy]

10. Call her at night to wish her sweet dreams.
[She'll go to bed with a smile]

11. Comfort her when she cries.
[She'll feel like you'll ALWAYS be there for her]

12.Wipe away her tears
[It'll show you'll always be there]

13. Love her with all your heart.
[Not with your brain... or your ......]

14. Pick her up and flirt with her (she'll scream and say put me down but really she loves it).
[It's true boys!]

15. Be a gentleman (hold the door for her).
[Every girl loves a guy who is a gentleman]

16. DON'T let your friends talk trash about her, it'll get back 2 her
[& it'll make her feel like you aren't really there for her]

17. Take her for a long walk at night!
[She just wants to be alone. & that's not always bad. The world can be annoying sometimes & you just need to be alone.]

18. When it's cold outside hold her close
[You want her to be happy & she's happy in your arms]

19. Draw on or rub her back as she is tryin to rest or sleep
[This just feels good!] {not with a pen you idiot, with your finger}

Girls - repost this if you think it's sweet

Guys - repost this if you would do any of it

and make sure that when you do these things that it comes from the heart.

Tags: Thoughtful

Girl:Hey babe, I'll be right back. I need to take this call.

Boy: Yeah okay. Sure.

She walks into the next room.

Girl: Hey! What's up?

Guy [on her cellphone]: Nothing, hey hun, do you think we could go do something later tonight? What are the chances my boss let me get out early.

Girl: Yeah, sounds great!

Guy [on her cellphone]: Okay. I'm right by your house, I'll come to get you now.

Girl: That's not such a good idea...

Guy [on her cellphone]: Why not?

Girl: I'm busy right now... sorry.

Guy [on her cellphone]: With what? It's our anniversary! You didn't make any other plans did you...?

In her head she yells, SHIT! Throws clothes back on quickly.
Girl: No No... I was just eating... with the family.

Guy [on her cellphone]: But I thought you said your family was away this weekend, up at your resort?

The guy walks into her house, turns the corner into the hallway. Goes downstairs, and finds his bestfriend on her couch, half un-dressed, trying to pull his pants back on and his girlfriend pulling her shirt over her head.

Guy: What the hell is going on?!

Girl: I can explain! Please listen to me!

Guy: Benny? How could you do this to me! Rachel! I thought you loved me! And yet, your sleeping with MY BEST FRIEND!!!!

Girl: John...!

John with tears in his eyes, he rushes out of room, and slams the door.

Benny climbs out of the window, starts his car, and drives off down the street.

Girl runs after her boyfriend. Yelling...

Girl: NOOOO! Please!! Come back John!! Pleeeeeasssse????!! She falls down and cries.

John turns around, looks straight at his girlfriend in tears.

John: Why? Rachel, why? I loved you! Oh my God, I'm in love with a whore. Does this mean I have to pay you now?!
Here take this as the cash. He drops a ring box on her lap.

She opens the ring box. Her jaw drops... Before her eyes is a diamond wedding ring.

Girl: You were going to propose?

Guy: Yeah... how dumb was I? And as he slowly walked back to his car, his headlights faded... And she was in despair.


Later that night, the girl got a phone call from the police saying he just jumped off the bridge and killed himself.

Tags: Sad

Ive tried to live my life as long as i could
I dont know if i can hold out much longer
Dont know if i could

Life threw me some curves
It was all i could do to swerve
Out of their path and away from the knife
Trying to keep up with this pathetic life

I thought i had found the one to solve my problems, end my pain
All that happened was my heart got slain
I wished to have died
I tried so hard, i unfortunately tried

Three times, then four
To settle the score
Both sides of me fighting
Both of them screaming
Hurting my heart
Makes me hate all that dreaming

I dont have dreams i have nightmares
I thought to my self
As i drew out the knife and tried ending this hell

My life turned around at the beginning of the year
I think the end might not be so near

I met Ashley just a month ago
She's been a bunch of help
I didnt want her to go

Ive found someone to love
some way to be loved
Holding that most beautiful dove

I had a bad feeling, and they usually come true
That bad feeling was being left by you

One look, one sigh, i asked her not to lie
"Is it me? are you leaving? i love you so much. please dont go"
She just looked me in the eye and said to me, "no. really no"
I wrote a poem saying " without your love i would die"
It'd be worse if you lied

The next week, I walked up to you, " Why are crying? Really what's wrong?"

She just looked at me and said" Im sorry Ive got to move on..."
Running to my car, I cried on the way home.
She lied to me. Why? What went wrong?!

This life really is a nightmare. It's got to end,
is what i said to myself as i grabbed a paper and pen

Writing away as i was crying
Slowly inside, i was dying

All I ever wanted was you
You said your love to me was true
Im dying. Im dying
All for your lying. All for your lying!!


Why couldnt you open your eyes and see
Your false love. The lie
You persist on killing me.
Why?! Why?!

All I could think of was ending this life.
As i grabbed for that long, sharp knife

As i stabbed, the door came flying open
It was you with arms wide open

Crying, " Im sorry. Im sorry!" Asking herself why?
As I lay there dying, she held me crying...
Please come back. ill love you. no lie

She knew it was too late, deep down in her head,
Seeing me laying there, stone cold dead...

She so regretted the lie as she read
" Without your love, I would die"

Without moments notice, she grabbed that knife
And ended her on life

As i lay there, half dead, I couldnt help but stare
into my true loves eyes thinking, "... she really did care

Tags: Thoughtful

Ok here are 20 tips on what TO do and what NOT to do on myspace.......

1. Posting several bulletins in a row is lame, and means you are pathetic and have no life! A fe bulletins back to back or acceptable.

2. The pics of you in your bathroom with your cell......are boring! And if you have 3 or more pics of you in the same position, posing a "little" bit differently, that's stupid too!

3. If you don't know how to post a bulletin, JUST ASK! It get's old when you hit the reply button when it says RE-POST!
If you do it more then twice, it's not an accident anymore....it's annoying, and so are you.

4. Your true love is not gonna call you at midnight, you wont fall in love through myspace within 3 minutes if you re-post any bulletin.

5. Your NOT gonna die if you don't re-post.

6. Tom will never shut your myspace account down, unless you post nude pics, or threatening messages.

7. Don't flash gang signs in your pics, your not a "gangsta" gangsters don't even use myspace.

8. Myspace is not a popularity contest, so don't add people you don't know just to have a billion friends.

9. You will never be like Tom.

10. If your some fat ugly girl, don't use a name like "Sexy Goddess" cause your not.

11. If someone sends you a comment, don't be an ass and send them a message, send them a comment back!

12. Comments are for fun, talking about how your week was, what your doing for the weekend, don't spill your personal life to your friends through comments, EVERYONE can see them.

13. For all the people who deny other people through friend requests......they know you did.

14. In your "sent" mail, you can tell when someone has read your messages and wont write you back, forget em,

15. Having more celebrities for friends, then actual friends...isn't cool...it makes you look like a loser!

16. Try not to send personal messages after midnight, when the person who you sent it to wakes up in the morning and reads it......most likely they're gonna think you were wasted.

17. Whoever sends out the bulletin announcing their profile views, and then trying to get everyone to get on it too....is a complete loser! We don't care about your profile views, we see it all the time on musicians, and celebs profiles.

18. Chain letters are such a waste of time, a work day, and life!

19. Don't add someone as a friend and then delete them.....you had that chance to think about it when they popped up in your friend request section!

Tags: Funny